


Forever In My Heart

by sonofadeanwinchester



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 05:39:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10824900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofadeanwinchester/pseuds/sonofadeanwinchester
Summary: You run into Bucky, whom you haven't seen in almost five years.





	Forever In My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLOSURE: MENTION OF SUICIDE AND SEVERE PTSD.

Sitting across from me was the man I thought I'd never see again. His smile was as intimidating as it was 5 years ago, his eyes still just as blue as the sky on a clear California day. He bit his lip as he swallowed a mouth full of coffee. "It's good to see you again."

 

I nodded and smiled, my stomach doing summersaults at his voice. "You too, Bucky." My mind flashing back to the days when we were tangled up in the sheets, our bodies intertwined. A blush filled my cheeks. "How long are home this time?"

 

He shrugged, "honestly, I'm not sure. I don't know when my next deployment is gonna be."

 

I bit my lip trying to hide my tears. We were engaged to be married when he got deployed for a second time and he got hurt. They sent him out with his face wrapped in cloth, his leg busted open and his arm replaced with a medal one. I didn't think he was going to make it. I broke off the engaged when I found out he was planning on going back. "Oh."

 

He sipped his coffee, "how's the husband?"

 

I chuckled, remembering Steve. "He's fine."

 

Bucky smiled sweetly, "any little ones?"

 

I shook my head, "not yet. Steve is all for it but I just can't seem to bring myself to have one."

 

He smiled, running a hand through his hair nervously. "You'd be a fantastic mother."

 

I licked my bottom lip. "Thanks. I'm glad you think so."

 

He cocked his head to the side, "why don't you think you'd be good at it?"

 

I shrugged, "motherhood scares me honestly."

 

His lips turned up into a sly grin, "we talked about kids for years."

 

I nodded, sipping my coffee. "It's true. We did but then-."

 

He cleared his throat, "then I went fucked myself up."

 

Honestly, I could've handled the bruises and the broken bones and the amnesia; but I couldn't handle knowing that he was willing to put himself right back into the same situation. "You didn't, he War did."

 

He scoffed, whispering under this breath. "Feels like the same thing."

 

I shook my head and reached for his fingers. "Buck, its not the same thing. What happened to you back there was nothing to do with you." He rolled his eyes. "James. Listen to me, what Hydra did to you for all the those years and what you did for those years, it doesn't define who you are or what you're gonna be. You didn't know what you were doing."

 

He licked his lips and a tear fell onto his cheek. "I still did them (y/n). I still murdered all those people. I still tore Tony's family apart."

 

After the fight between Tony and Steve, the crew hasn't spoken for a while. It's been almost 5 years and still nothing. Bucky and Steve were close but now-. I shook my head and sighed. "You didn't. Tony is pissed, yes, but he'll get over it. He has Pepper."

 

Bucky chuckled, "he's got Pepper. Natasha has Banner. Clint has his wife. Fucking Scott has his family. Steve's got you." His voice broke. "I have nobody. I haven't since that day."

 

My heart shattered into a million pieces. "Bucky-." My voice cracked as a tear slipped down my cheek. "You've got Steve. And fuck it if you don't have me. You've always had me. And you'll always have me." 

 

His eyes looked at me through his dark lashes. "Not the way I want."

 

I shook my head. I knew exactly what he was talking about and where it would lead. "Buck-." 

 

He stood up abruptly and walked threw a bill on the table. "I've gotta go. Thanks for the coffee."

 

"Bucky, come on." I was standing now, grabbing my jacket as I followed him outside. 

 

He was halfway up the street when I caught up to him, huffing my breath. "Dammit, Bucky. Come on."

 

He shook his head and kept going. "I can't do this. It's too painful. I'm happy for you and Steve, I really am, but I can't handle seeing you together."

 

I stopped, "what?"

 

He stopped too, turning around where he stood. "It's too painful."

 

"What makes you think that we don't want you around?" I stepped closer and he avoided my eyes. "Bucky, please. Look at me."

 

When his eyes locked with mine, they were sad and broken. "I can't. I'm not good enough."

 

"What? What do you mean by that? Of course you're good eno-."

 

"No! Im not. Look at this fucking piece of medal on my arm (y/n). Look at how hideous this is! It's just a constant reminder of how Hydra manipulated my mind! It reminds tony every fucking day that I murdered his parents out of cold blood. I can't go back to the place. Not now, not ever. I'm going (y/n)."

 

My heart cried out for him as he walked away. My chest tightened and my eyes followed soon behind as the tears flowed like rivers. "Bucky! Where are you going?"

 

He shrugged, "I don't know. And right now, it doesn't matter.l

 

"Of course it fucking matters! I want you around, Steve wants you around." I ran to him and grabbed his left arm. "Bucky, this is not hideous. This is beautiful. A sign that you can overcome everything. A sign that even the worst of people can not break the best of people. You're the best kind of person. You're a wonderful, beautiful person who just was a victim to awful human beings." He shook his head. "Pleas Buck, listen to me." He walked way and didn't look back. 

 

I woke up drenched it a hot sweat, the sheets thrown to the end of the bed and Steve fast asleep beside me. He stirred, "Doll, you okay?"

 

I nodded then shook my head quick. Tears sobbed through my chest and be pulled me close into him. "I dreamt about Bucky."

 

"Oh darling, I'm so sorry." He kissed my hair. "Was it the last talk?"

 

I nodded. "He's been gone for four years and it's like every time I dream that, he's fresh in my heart and mind. Like I'm gonna go downstairs and find at the counter, eating all the food."

 

"Baby, we went to his wake. He went to his funeral. He's gone. You can't keep tormenting yourself like this." 

 

A sob filled my chest again, causing me to lurch forward. "I could've stopped him Steve! I could've made him rethink his decision. He could still be alive if it wasn't for me. He fucking killed himself because I didn't stop him."

 

Steve walked to the light switch and flicked it on. "No! He killed himself because he had a severe case of PTSD."

 

"Something we could've helped him with." 

 

"Honey, listen to me. It's been four years. He's gone but I'm here. I'll always be here." 

 

I laid back down and faced the wall, my back to him. I whispered under my breath that I'm sure he heard. "But I want Bucky."


End file.
